Can't decide what snack to choose as you careen wildly from emotion to emotion while stuck in your house with little to no human contact? Let me make the decisions for you.
Fear and Anxiety
If you’re a naturally anxious person like me, I recommend a light snack so you can shove fistfuls into your mouth for as long as possible without getting full. I suggest pairing general anxiety with a nice bagged popcorn you can eat in one sitting. I’m a fan of Smartfood White Cheddar.
Caveat: During the deep existential fear you feel while watching the president’s press briefings, you might need a snack with a more robust mouthfeel. Cheez-Its Duoz (a mash-up of exciting flavors and textures) are a good option here, or perhaps Combos, Pizzeria Pretzel flavor.
Optimism
Most of us have already felt and moved past this fleeting emotion. But if you still have moments of hopeful determination that you’re going to use this time for self-improvement or that we’ll emerge as a more compassionate, connected society, I suggest pairing with blueberries, kale, and other healthy snacks you bought while lying to yourself about doing twice-daily workouts in your living room.
Jealousy
If you’re divorced, widowed, or just plain single and are experiencing jealousy at seeing your friends quarantined with their significant others, you should choose a snack that can double as an aperitif for feeling sorry for yourself. A sleeve of Girl Scout cookies eaten in a span of 12 minutes can help balance out the emptiness you’re feeling, and there’s always a second sleeve for the inevitable resentment that follows.
Despair
When the world is over and nothing matters, it’s time to go for the nuclear option: Betty Crocker frosting straight from the can.
Irritation and Anger
Did your friend just post a group selfie at a beach they haven’t closed yet? Did your uncle send you a chain letter DM in all caps with a surefire cure for COVID-19? This calls for a snack that’s a little more acidic. Clementines or mandarin oranges are an ideal pairing for this emotion so you can have the tactile pleasure of ripping your food open with your bare hands.
Schadenfreude
Admit it, you’re feeling some savage pleasure at seeing the anti-vaxxers, conspiracy theorists, and right-wing politicians being forced to admit that science is real. Because this emotion gives in to some of your baser instincts, you may want to go with a snack that has a bolder flavor intensity. Flaming Hot Cheetos is the obvious choice here, but you can also substitute with wasabi peas or hint-of-lime tortilla chips.
Gratitude
When you fall prey to inspiring Instagram posts and can’t help but feel thankful for what you have, I recommend a mellow snack you can eat with one hand while you’re texting your friends how much you appreciate them. The reliable banana is a healthy option, but if your grocery store was out of bananas, a Magnum Double Caramel Ice Cream Bar is an equally convenient multi-tasking snack.
Loneliness
While this emotion is likely to hit extroverts first, even introverts can begin to wither from lack of human contact. When you’re considering calling the IRS just to hear another voice, pair your loneliness with a snack that has a face! Goldfish crackers are the snack that smiles back, of course, but also consider snacks where you can be a little more creative: Draw a face in icing on a Toaster Strudel, or arrange your Skittles into the first smile you’ve seen in days.
Ennui
At some point you will reach the point of quarantine where you’ve cleaned your entire house, learned another language, dressed your cat up in clothes you sewed yourself, and come up with the solution for peace in the Middle East, and there’s nothing left to do but sigh existentially and gaze out the window with a weary soul.
It is then that you must reach to the back of the pantry and pull out the prize you’ve been hiding from the kids, pets, or even yourself - the limited edition Peeps cereal featuring crispy O's in three iconic Peeps colors for an extra-special eating experience your family will love.
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